New Moves
by Conspiracyof1000
Summary: Kilik and Link are scheduled for a battle, but Link's got a dangerous new attack under his belt...Can Kilik survive? Oneshot.


_Yeah, hey everybody. I'm branching off from my RE world and trying something new here. My brother and I were playing Soul Calibur II the other day. I was Kilik and he was Link, as usual. I went to smack him and suddenly Link leapt on Kilik's back and did something odd. I know it was just a battle move but come on! Then today my brother's friend came over and we spend a good hour trying to figure out exactly how we did it. Here's a little fic that was the by-product, showing Kilik's pain. Note: This thing's coming from what has to be one of the biggest Link obsessors ever. But who doesn't like to poke fun at innocent Hylians?_

_It's T for language and Link's move. 'Nuff said._

_**Disclaimer**: I don't have the copyrights to any of this. I just own the story. Now read, peeps!_

* * *

Kilik spun his staff around, slowly growing angrier with each twirl. Yunsung was late for practice…again. Kilik sighed and looked in the direction of the battle stadium, where the big showdown between Link and Raphael was taking place. Kilik happened to be battling today, versus the winner of said match, and Yunsung was supposed to help him practice.

A familiar head bobbed above the crowd for a moment and Kilik nearly snapped the Kali-Yuga in half. So the buttmuch was off watching the fight, eh? Let's see what he thought of a stick up his ass.

Kilik rested his staff against his shoulder and walked to the crowd. His fangirls swooned and screamed, but he ignored them. All he could focus on was that head of hair straight ahead. Yunsung was at the fence separating the spectators from the combatants, cheering. As Kilik reached him he stabbed him in the lower back.

"Hey, we're supposed to be practicing," Kilik hissed. "I'm up next, remember?"

Yunsung turned around and grinned. "We practiced all day yesterday. Besides, check this out. Link's said that he's got a new move that he was going to use today."

Giving in, Kilik leaned against the rail. Raphael was deftly dodging Link's moves, laughing as Link tried a spin attack and missed. He jabbed his sword in Link's armpit, tossed him around a bit, and tossed him to the ground. Link looked frustrated, then smirked as he saw his opportunity. He leapt to his feet, ran around to Raphael's left side, and jumped on his back. Yunsung leaned in eagerly.

"This is gonna be good…"

Link wrapped his legs around Raphael's neck and began to swing his sword. Not at his head. At his butt. Raphael leapt up and cried in surprise as the Master Sword landed each hit directly on his ass. The crowd gasped at such obscenity. Kilik stood up straight and stared at the sight. Link now was tackling Raphael into the ground and sitting on his stomach, beating the crap out of his chest.

"Whoo, man, that didn't look comfortable…" Yunsung muttered, standing up and patting Kilik on the back as Link was declared the winner. As the crowd dissipated and left, Kilik remained, staring at the empty arena, one eye twitching.

-------------------------

Kilik pounded the punching bag with the Kali-Yuga, muttering about how he was going to show Link what it was like to have something hard shoved up his butt. Stuffing and sand streamed out of the bag as he smacked it one last time, the bag finally giving up and falling from its chain to the floor. Yunsung kicked the empty leather sack and handed Kilik a water bottle.

"You're up in about twenty minutes," he said, watching his friend lean against his staff and drink energetically. "So, you still wanna practice?"

Kilik wiped the sweat from his brow. "Man, I just got done beating the life out of a punching bag and now you ask…"

Yunsung shrugged. "Well, that new move Link had seemed kinda…odd. I just thought you should prepare."

Kilik raised an eyebrow. "What are you implying?"

**Five minutes and several bruises later…**

"Aw man, you should really shower more often!" Kilik cried, crashing into a wall.

"What, once a month not enough for you? Whoa!" Yunsung grabbed his friend by the hair, trying to keep his balance. They were stumbling around the training room, Yunsung attempting to try Link's er…unique move to prepare Kilik for the battle. So far the two had succeeded in standing on top of each other.

"Move your leg a little to the left…" Kilik groaned, trying to keep his balance. Yunsung did. Kilik sighed and managed a sort-of straight stance. Shakily, Yunsung pulled out his sword and prepared to strike.

"Okay. He just swung down like this…" Yunsung carefully moved the blade downward, then swung it hard.

"Watch it!"

"Ah crap!"

The two fell in a heap on top of each other, face to face.

"You have such beautiful eyes…" Yunsung joked. Kilik moaned and pushed him away, glancing at a nearby wall clock. Still twelve minutes to go…If the suspense leading to the fight didn't kill him, the actual fight would.

**At the fight…oh man…**

Kilik stared nervously at the long eared Hylian in front of him. Sweat ran down his back in rivers, he was sure. The sun above was bright and hot, not helping matters. As the judge said the rules (Kilik had heard them one too many times to care) Link twirled his sword impatiently. Kilik gulped. That sword was going somewhere bad…

"And…Fight!"

Link lunged, Kilik blocking the blow easily and staging a counterattack. All he had to do was keep Link moving and his backside would be fine. Kilik swung a few times, the blows connecting, tossing Link like a ragdoll into the air and then slamming him into the ground. Link rolled around to his side and jumped up. Kilik dodged just in time.

But Link grabbed his arm. Kilik heard his shoulder pop as Link twisted it around. Then he felt no pressure, then massive pressure on his neck as Link's legs twined around his throat

Link laughed and swung his sword, whipping Kilik's ass hard.

"AH MOTHER (the expletive had to be deleted. Hey, there's children reading, right?)" Kilik screamed, trying and failing to pry Link's legs off his back. "GET THE (same expletive as before. Kilik's got a pottymouth, eh?) OFF MY BACK YOU (jeez, get this boy some soap, now!) OR I'LL STICK THIS STAFF WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE!"

Link leapt off, doing a somersault and facing Kilik again. Kilik rubbed his pained ass and regained his balance, leaning on his staff.

"Did you enjoy my 'Piggyback Grab?'" Link asked, laughing again. Giving a fake smile, Kilik replied, "Oh, is that what you call that? It was--"

Link lunged forward and tackled Kilik to the ground. He landed on his back, Link wrapping his legs around his waist. And Kilik knew it was just a battle move, but why did it feel so _wrong?_

Link used his sword to beat the stuffing out of Kilik before backflipping off. The judge noticed Kilik rolling on the ground in agony and was about to declare Link the winner when a stick suddenly whacked Link's butt hard. Twice—no, no, five times. Kilik had risen, knocking Link to the ground, and began to thwack him hard.

"No-one-takes-a-hard-object-and-jams-it-there--" Kilik grunted between breaths. As Link tried to get up, Kilik smacked him again, this time square in the middle of his forehead.

"And in a surprise move Kilik has won!" the judge held up Kilik's hand in victory. "Tomorrow he will face off versus the man that plagues our dreams: Nightmare!"

Kilik grinned and clambered over the fence to Yunsung, still rubbing his butt.

"That looked like it hurt," Yunsung said, helping his friend back to town. "How'd you survive it?"

Kilik jabbed a thumb back at the unconscious Link. Several medics were crowded around. It looked like Kilik had done some damage.

"Making sure he wouldn't pull that stunt on anyone else for a long, long time. Hopefully he's got a concussion."

* * *

_There ya go. Hopefully a funny story from a Link fangirl. Read and review. _


End file.
